November 4, 2008

• Dear Red States…
  

  We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
  
  we’re taking the other Blue States with us.

  In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,
  
  Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
  
  believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
  
  to the people of the new country of New California.

  To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
  
  We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
  
  Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

  We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
  
  We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
  
  We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.
  
  We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
  
  get Alabama.
  
  We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
  
  pay their fair share.

  Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
  
  Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
  
  bunch of single moms.

  Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
  
  anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
  
  once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
  
  kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
  
  purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their
  
  children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
  
  hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our
  
  resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

  With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
  
  of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
  
  and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of
  
  America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
  
  90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
  
  of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
  
  condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
  
  Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

  With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
  
  percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
  
  costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
  
  tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
  
  Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
  
  Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

  We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

  Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
  
  actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
  
  unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
  
  that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved
  
  in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people
  
  with higher morals then we lefties.

  By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
  
  weed they grow in Mexico.

  Peace out,
  
  Blue States

  • 1:30 pm
  • 4 Comments